


Death Magnet

by Zoe13



Category: All Time Low
Genre: Eating Disorder, M/M, No current or major character death, Past Character Death, Self Harm, Various band members along the way, attempted suicide, not sure who yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-13 05:46:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4510125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe he's cursed, maybe in a past life he did something terrible- either way, Alex knows this one thing: every one he cares about dies. </p><p>What's the solution? Stop caring.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Write some fucking Jalex, people, I need it! 
> 
> Also, sort of au, I took liberties, blah blah.

It started with his mom. Alex was only six when she got a rare and aggressive cancer that killed her in no more than four months. 

He cried every night for two years. 

Alex was ten when his best friend Devon died in a car crash.

He cried for a month.

Alex was fifteen when his brother committed suicide.

Alex is twenty and he still hasn't cried. 

When three people you are close to die before you hit sixteen, shutting down seems like the best option. But shutting down requires a coping mechanism and that coping mechanism requires its own coping mechanism and now Alex is slowly tearing at the seams.  

It's alright though, because he doesn't care.

 

College sucks when you're working toward your dream. College sucks more when you're working toward a way to support your dream. But college sucks the most when you have no dream to work toward except maybe not waking up the next morning because you're touch starved and everything you touch dies. Maybe Alex is just crazy. 

He sometimes things about an alternate version of himself. Maybe in an alternate universe he would find the guy in front of him attractive. Right now he's just questioning whether or not he should serve him coffee because he's grinning like a maniac and bouncing. It's 9 in the morning and he's _bouncing_. 

"Brendon," he supplies his name with a grin and Alex writes it on his cup. 

What's the purpose of life anyway? Clinging to every shred of life that you can and then die kicking and screaming? Or choose it- choose to leave like Tim did?

It's 9 in the morning and Alex is questioning the meaning of life. He slaps himself in the face when he zones out and ignores the concerned look of the next customer. 

 

 

It's an especially bad day. He drinks some black coffee and definitely doesn't count the calories- control control control- before hiding in the bathroom during his break, sliding metal through skin with shaking hands. He can't even look at people without pain in his wrists. He needs it.

The coffee shop winds down at 11:30 because everyone just heads to lunch instead of getting coffee, and Alex slumps against the counter. Black coffee when you haven't eaten in two days is a bad idea. Logically he knows he's too skinny, but it's not about that anyway. Besides, he doesn't care. 

Then in comes Jack. Alex doesn't actually know his name- he just calls him Jack after the Jack Skellington tattoo he's got. He recognizes him first from the mischievous twinkle and second by the black hair with a patch of blond.

"Hey Sunshine," he greets and Alex just shakes his head disapprovingly at him. He hates how it quirks the corners of his mouth and misses how that makes Jack brighten visibly. 

Rian groans and goes to hide in the back. Jack is a regular- meaning he comes in every day, he doesn't actually come at the same time every day. And every time he comes in, he's got a nickname of some sort for Alex and some dumb jokes on the days Alex seems less closed off. Alex hates that he looks forward to it because he can't care. He can't care.

"Your usual?" He asks. His voice is soft from rare use but Jack always hears him, despite his loud personality. 

"As always," Jack says with a wink. 

For some reason Alex is having more trouble emotionally shutting down today, and he turns around to prepare the drink with shaking hands. 

"I'd like a muffin too- what's the best kind?" Jack asks, and Alex hands him his drink and points to the blueberry. "Okay, one of those too, then." 

Alex hands it to him and goes to ring it up. He glances at Jack only to see him doodling on a napkin, and his eyeroll is too fond for his own liking. Jack wraps his muffin in the napkin and sets it on the counter while he pays. 

Alex waits for the usual goodbye accompanied by a smile, but suddenly Jack says "what's that?" and points behind him. Thinking he's asking about one of the machines, Alex turns only to hear cackling and then the door slamming as Jack tears out of the coffee shop laughing. Anther eyeroll and Alex notices the tip jar is more full. 

Then he sees the napkin with the muffin in it. Curious, he unrolls it and reads the scribble handwriting. 

_Eat something, Sunshine, you need it. And you deserve it._

Alex eats half of it. 


	2. Chapter 2

Alex's shift has just ended, but he's struck by a wave of dizziness and decides to study at the coffee shop. He gets himself some water, nods to the guy on the next shift, and hauls his bag over to a table. It's never felt heavier and he's feeling lightheaded. The sharp hunger pain is just what he needed, though, and he fights off the urge to buy a muffin. 

His stomach rumbles as he tries to read, and he starts tapping his wrist on the corner of the table, just hard enough to put pressure on his cuts but light enough that it hurts without re opening them. Nothing is working. The pain in his stomach is making it hard to breathe, and the second he can't breathe right he starts to panic, which always turns into a panic attack. Goddammit, why can't he _function_? His eyes start filling with tears and he pulls his arms around himself and screws them shut, thankful that he picked the table furthest from the door. There are only a few people in the building and they pay him no mind. 

Within minutes he's full on shaking. He's flashing hot and cold and he can't even get up to walk to the bathroom, forced into the humiliation of having a panic attack in public. A few people glance at him but he barely notices. 

He _can't breathe, can't breathe, can't_ -

"Hey, hey, you're alright. It's okay." Suddenly there's someone in front of him and a comforting hand on his hunched shoulders. The tears blur his vision but he recognizes the person as Jack. Or whatever his name is. "You can breathe." 

Alex frantically shakes his head, an embarrassing gasp-sob tearing out of him. 

"You can. There's all this air around us, you've got working lungs. Don't think, breathing is natural." Jack kneels next to him, shielding him from the rest of the room. "There's no one watching, everything is okay." He keeps rambling, just random words of comfort, but Alex slowly starts to breathe in and out, shallow breaths that gradually grow stronger. 

It feels like forever, but finally his vision is cleared and he's breathing, the tremors fading, though not completely going away. Jack smiles warmly at him. 

"There you go. Told you you could do it."

"Sorry," Alex croaks. He cringes and  takes a drink of his water with gently shaking hands. Jack watches with a slight frown and it depends when Alex's stomach growls again. 

"You need food," he says. 

"I..." Alex doesn't know how to reply. _I've already had 150 calories for the day_ probably wouldn't go over well. 

"Stay here." Jack gets up and returns several minutes later with a small smoothie. It's fairly healthy and doesn't have that many calories. Alex knows a compromise when he sees one and his knotted stomach forces him to accept it. Jack smiles slightly. 

"I'm Alex," Alex finally says. 

"I'm Jack." 

Alex giggles around the straw and Jack's smile widens even though he looks confused. 

"What's so funny?" He asks.

"I just mentally called you Jack because of-" he gestured to the tattoo and Jack laughs. Alex likes the sound. "I guess that's probably why you have it, though."

"So is that a common occurrence?" Jack asks, and Alex flinches. 

"Sort of. . ." Alex trails off, biting his lip. "Sorry about that. And thanks for. . .this. You can go."

"That's not what I meant," Jack says patiently. "I'm enquiring because what I saw was a bit concerning."

"It's fine."

Jack looks as if he's about to protest but he shuts his mouth at the last second. 

"Well, since you're having trouble with that, let's distract you. Come for a walk."

Alex realizes he's just been chewing on the straw and blushes faintly in embarrassment. 

"We'll stay in public," Jack reassures him, and Alex gives in with a simple nod. Jack picks up his backpack and helps him to his feet, remaining silent even when he sways while the room spins. 

He gains a second wind by the time they leave the building, though, and finds himself easily conversing with Jack. Something about it nags at him but he pushes it aside for once and lets Jack carry his bag around for him and laugh loudly and woop for no reason. It's feels good. It feels amazing. He _feels_. 

He downs the smoothie quickly but they keep walking even after he dumps the cup in a trashcan. They walk a few blocks and then come back the other way, but Jack keeps the pace slow when he realizes Alex is out of breath after only a few feet. It's easy, and he doesn't think about it at all. 

After a goodbye accompanied by a cheeky smile, Alex walks back to his dorm room and throws himself onto his bed. Then he lets himself freak out and over think everything. 

But the smoothie stays down. 


	3. Chapter 3

Somehow they've fallen into routine. Once Jack figured out what time Alex's shift ended, he started showing up at that time two days a week. Sometimes he lets Alex pay but most of the time he gets two smoothies and distracts Alex into drinking all of one. Alex allows himself the treat and tries to condone it to his brain by using it as an excuse to hang out with Jack. His brain hates that part too (something bad could happen to Jack, what if Jack gets hurt because he's friends with Alex?) but Alex pushes the thoughts away for the first time in his life. Jack is too full of life for death to touch him. He counteracts all the dark in Alex's head, and Alex finds himself going from wanting Jack in his life to needing Jack in his life. 

He finds himself interacting with Rian on more than a we-work-together level, and thinks that maybe they can be friends someday too. 

 

 

Summer is fading into Fall and Alex is freezing when he sits across from Jack. It's not actually cold, but he has low body heat and something in the back of his head is telling him that it's his low body mass that is to blame. He's bundled up- long sleeved shirt, sweater, jacket, fingerless gloves, jeans, and even a beanie. He's also sick. Again. 

Jack frowns as he shivers in his seat. 

"Alex, it's 75 degrees outside."

"It's colder in here," Alex says through chattering teeth.

Jack sighs and suddenly looks very tired. "Let's walk outside today."

He orders Alex a hot chocolate and glares him down when he protests. He can't really tell Jack that it's because of all the calories and sugar and fat (control control control) and he finally accepts. It's nice to sip at it and feel it warm up his insides.

Jack still looks concerned and the second they get out the door he turns that gaze onto Alex.

"We need to talk about this," he says, and Alex's heart sinks. "I can't just watch you keep doing this to yourself."

"Doing what?" Alex tries. 

"Doing-" Jack splutters. " _Starving_ yourself! That's what it is. I don't know if you throw up or just don't eat or what but it needs to stop."

"I don't-"

"Alex, _please_ ," Jack pleads, stopping and gently catching his arm. "You're constantly freezing, you shake, you get dizzy, you can't walk without losing breath, and you're _really fucking skinny_."

Alex opens his mouth but Jack cuts him off again. "You probably get hot flashes, cramps, and headaches constantly and have trouble focusing on tasks. Does this sound like a good thing?"

"How do you know all of that?" Alex asks in a hoarse voice. Jack sighs.

"I looked it up, Alex. I looked up _anorexia nervosa_." 

A shiver runs down Alex's spine at the words and he stares helplessly at Jack. 

"So is it a weight thing or a control thing?" Jack asks finally. "Or. . .both?"

"I-" Alex's voice catches. "Can we go sit down somewhere?"

Jack suddenly notices that he's shaking uncontrollably and his face switches from frustration to concern. 

"Fuck- yeah, I'm sorry." He takes Alex's bag and then his arm. Alex finds himself unable to protest. 

They're close to the park and it's usually deserted, so Jack leads him there and sits him on a bench. Alex can't tell if he's shivering from cold or panic but he feels better when Jack sits close to him. 

"Come here," he says softly, wrapping an arm around Alex to keep him warm. "I'm sorry I got angry. I'm just scared."

They sit in silence until Alex's shaking mostly calms. Alex isn't sure what to say but he knows he should say something. 

"I think- I guess it is control," he says finally. "But the weight sort of shows progress so it's tied in." 

Jack rubs his shoulder comfortingly and Alex burrows his nose into his jacket. 

"You do know you're really fucking skinny, though, right?" Jack asks.

"I'm. . ." Alex hesitates. "I mean objectively I guess I'm sort of skinny-"

Jack reaches down and grasps Alex's wrist with one hand, his fingers easily wrapping around it even with all the layers. Alex is grateful for the layers that hide the mutilation underneath. 

"I can feel your bones even through all these layers," Jack says in a pained voice. "And your face- it's so thin and gaunt. You're just- you're sick, Alex, and you need to get better."

It's like a slap in the face but it's what he needs to hear. He knows that. Maybe there _is_ a problem. Maybe even this has spiraled out of control and now he needs to stop it.

"I'm sorry," is all he can say.

"It's okay. You're gonna get better." 

He hasn't known Jack that long but for some reason he believes him. He's not sure what made Jack special enough to gain his trust but he's glad he gave it to him. Jack is life, Jack is good, Jack is happiness. Maybe Alex can get some of that, maybe he can get better. 

He ignores the nagging voice in the back of his head (Jack doesn't know you cut yourself, Jack doesn't know you want to die, Jack doesn't know you kill everything you touch).


	4. Chapter 4

It's the anniversary of the day his brother died. Not the day they pulled the plug, the day he slipped into a coma, because to Alex that was really the day he died. He's trying not to think about it this year but he's shaking extra badly an he broke his promise to Jack. He threw up everything he'd eaten that day. 

Jack had made him promise that even if he was going to skip meals, he would stop throwing up. It wasn't where it would end, it was just a start. There was no way Jack would settle just for that, he just understood that he couldn't make Alex better all at once. Alex had stayed true to his promise for an entire week but today the food had practically come up on its own. 

By the time Jack shows up and they head outside, Alex is panicking. He knows he should say something, but his mind is in overdrive and Jack looks so happy as he runs up and down the sidewalk, chattering away.

"- and my professor wanted a class photo, so everyone is just standing there and I'm like 'this is boring' so I flipped off the camera and now she's mad at me-"

Alex lets a small smile slip onto his face as Jack's story gets stranger and stranger and probably more and more made up as he goes. When an actual laugh comes out, Jack looks triumphant. 

Alex's brother slowly slips from his mind as he laughs at Jack's antics, even his tremors calming. He's not even worried about telling Jack that he broke his promise. Jack will forgive him, will help him start over, and everything will be okay. He and Jack are friends. 

Fiends. For some reason the word resonates with him strangely. Isn't friends what he wants to be with Jack? 

His thoughts are interrupted when Jack charges at him, scooping him up and twirling him around in the middle of the sidewalk. 

"Jack!" Alex gasps through his laughter, pretending that an undignified squeal did NOT come out of his mouth. "Put me down!"

"Neveeeeerr!" Jack yells. They get a few glares and a lot of smiles from passersby. 

Jack sets him down only to pick him up again bridal style. This time Alex can't ignore the squeak he lets out, and Jack laughs at him. 

"What the hell are you doing?" He demands, but he knows he looks ridiculous. His face is hot and his hair is pointing in all directions, and Jack won't stop laughing. 

"Being silly, of course. Ten minutes minimum a day for you, Gaskarth."

"Silliness ensues the second you come around," Alex retorts, but he wraps his arms around Jack's neck when he shifts a bit, suddenly scared he'll fall.

"I've got you," Jack says, sounding a bit offended at Alex's distrust.

"I've got to be too heavy for you, you scrawny motherfucker," Alex says, and wonders when he got so snotty and sarcastic. 

"You weigh like nothing," Jack says, suddenly serious. Alex squirms uncomfortably and Jack sets him down. 

"Look at my bag," Alex whines, and Jack laughs as he bends over to pick up the spilled contents from when he picked Alex up and he dropped it in surprise. 

"Come on," he says when it's all been shoved back in the bag haphazardly. Alex follows him but Jack refuses to let him carry the bag as they head down the sidewalk. 

It all goes to shit when Jack heads across the street. He's halfway across when a car appears out of nowhere. It's going way too fast and Alex's voice catches and his body shuts down, rendering him unable to warn Jack or react or- 

In a crazy, almost unbelievable move, Jack reacts last minute by jumping onto the hood of the car and rolling off to the side, landing on his back. He's up in a second, dusting himself off. 

"Asshole!" He yells after the car which is already gone. He's fine, just a bit dusty, but Alex is far from it. 

Jack could have died. Jack is going to die because he and Alex are close and Alex kills everyone. _Jack is going to die_. 

He's standing at the edge of the sidewalk and his whole body is shaking uncontrollably, tears running down his face and mind going into overdrive. 

Jack is on him in a second, dropping the bag and wrapping his arms around him. 

"Hey, hey what's wrong?"

"You could have died!" Alex screams at him, and Jack looks shocked. 

"Alex, it's okay. I'm fine. I saw him, I'm okay. I'm okay, but you're obviously not. Let's get you home."

But Alex can't brush it off like that. "No, no you don't get it," he sobs, and he's careening toward a full blown panic attack, he can't breathe. "Everybody dies, I kill everybody!" 

"Hey, Alex, you need to breathe. Nobody died, it's okay." Jack has never looked more concerned than he does right now, looking down at Alex and trying to calm down his shaking body. "We can talk about whatever happened soon, but you need to calm down so I can get you home."

"You're going to die too and I'm going to be alone," Alex cries, fighting against Jack's grip on him. "I can't be around you!"

"What?" Jack looks absolutely stunned and Alex breaks away, turning and running away as fast as he can. " _Alex!_ "

Even though he's too thin, even though he's shaking and sobbing and can't breathe, he somehow manages to run faster than he ever has in his life. He doesn't even know if Jack tried to follow him or stood in shock on the sidewalk as Alex ran away- but either way, when he stops, Jack is nowhere in sight. 

He realizes he's in the park right before he collapses.

 

 

 

He wakes up with a gasp, searching for a sign of where he is. Night has fallen and apparently no one found him. Thank heaven for small blessings.

A loud sob tears from his throat and he sits up to curl over his knees and cry. He's been here for hours and he doesn't know how to function without Jack. Obviously he can't continue his friendship with him, but can he continue _anything_ without him? If death follows him everywhere...maybe he should follow death.

No, that's just stupid. There are reasons to live, like- well, like-

He cries harder. He can't go into the coffee shop every day and see Jack there and not talk to him. He can't go to his apartment and remember listening to music with Jack and know it will never happen again. 

He can't live without Jack, can't ignore him or let him die because of him. He needs Jack, he loves Jack, he's- 

He's _in love_ with Jack. 

He groans. It's not because Jack is his only friend, it's not because Jack knows one of his biggest secrets. It's because he's Alex and Jack is Jack and somehow they fit perfectly except for the part where Alex _kills everybody close to him_. 

That's when death seems rational. There's absolutely nothing for him in this world. 

He barely notices the walk back to his apartment. He's numb and detached, and there are only two thoughts in his head- Jack and death. They feel like opposites. He's replaying memories in his head and he already misses it so much, but he's doing the right thing. If he dies then maybe Jack won't.

Somewhere in his mind he wonders just how crazy he is. 

Shaking hands unlock his door, open the bathroom door, and open two bottles of pills. He grabs some alcohol too and settles himself down on the floor at the end of his bed, slumping against it and opening the alcohol. He can't write a note. There's nothing in his head and he doesn't want to hurt Jack any more than he thinks this might. Than he knows it will. 

He takes a swig of the alcohol for courage and then starts on the antidepressants. They go down faster than he'd thought they would, especially when he washes them down with the alcohol. When they're gone he moves to the sleeping pills. 

He hasn't quite taken all of the sleeping pills when his arm drops and the pills scatter across the floor.  He's still somewhat conscious but his body won't move.

Then the door flies open. He didn't lock it, didn't think he'd need to, but there's Jack standing in the doorway looking panicked, and the panic only increases when he takes in the sight before him. 

" _Alex?_ " he's by his side in a second. "What did you _do?_ "

Alex's head falls to the side and Jack's shaking hands turn his face toward him. "Alex," he says firmly, "how many did you take?" 

Alex can't answer him and Jack picks up the bottles, eyes widening when he sees that they're empty. 

"Shit, no, Alex! You have to stay with me!" His eyelids are drooping when Jack hauls him up and drags him to the bathroom. Suddenly, cold water sprays him and then Jack's fingers force him to vomit, and it's everywhere before the water washes it away. The cold of it wakes him up a bit and he realizes they're in the shower. They're soaking wet, Alex smells terrible, and Jack is crying- not just crying, his face is buried in Alex's shoulder and he's _sobbing_. His arms are wrapped tightly around Alex and his legs are bracketing him and Alex doesn't even fight, just slumps forward and vomits again. 

Jack sits him up against the shower wall and then gets out to grab his phone. Alex hears him calling 911, but he knows the pills are gone. He threw up too much, he's failed. 

He's not even drowsy anymore. He's just cold and miserable. 

Jack shuts the water off and pulls Alex into his lap as he cries. Neither of them say a word. 


	5. Chapter 5

Alex wakes up where he expected to be. It feels like hell, like a place where he has to relive all of his worst memories and fears. 

He's in a hospital room. 

His mother, his best friend, his brother- somehow they all died in a room like this, but he survived. 

He doesn't feel all there when a nurse finally arrives and then goes and gets a doctor, when they ask what happened and tell him he's going to be fine.

He's _not_ going to be fine. He's going to go home and try again. But he'll never tell them that, they'd lock him up for sure. 

"-here to see you."

That catches his attention. Who came to see him? 

No. No, no, no.

"I don't-" his voice will barely come out and he stops to clear his throat. "I can't see him." 

"He's the one who found you," the nurse says softly. "He's really shaken up- could he just see that you're alright? He's been begging to see you for a while. It's entirely your choice."

He caves. It's Jack, of course he caves. 

"Yeah, I- I guess it would be okay." 

It probably won't be. Jack will be angry at him and then Alex will be stuck here alone until he can get out and kill himself properly. He wishes he could do it right now.

The nurse and the doctor disappear, but he barely notices. He can't think, his mind is in over drive and everything is a blur. 

Then the door opens and he has clarity. Jack looks terrible, but he's still Jack, and that will never fail to calm Alex. His eyes are heavily underlined and his hair is a mess, and Alex wants to hold him so tightly he'll never leave him, but that's foolish. Alex is a fool. 

"I-" Jack starts hoarsely. "Oh my god." 

He sits by the bed and Alex watches helplessly as Jack stares back at him, near-desperate.

"You weren't even going to say goodbye?" Jack finally asks. 

Tears burn Alex's eyes. "I didn't know what to say," he tells him helplessly.

"An explanation would be great," Jack says bitterly. "To know why you just- why you left me behind."

Alex tries to blink back the tears, but all it does is make it hard to breathe. "I'm toxic."

"You're not-" Jack starts, but Alex pushes onward. 

"First it was my mum. She died when I was very little. Then it was my best friend a few years later. And then- then it was my brother. I lost them all before I was even sixteen. My dad- he never forgave me."

"Never forgave you for what?" Jack asked.

"Everyone who gets close to me dies. I kill everyone." There's no stopping the tears now. They're coming full force, and he can't breathe, can't see-

"Hey, hey, you're okay." Jack is gripping his hand and Alex grips his right back. "You didn't kill them. That's just ridiculous. There's no way you did. I didn't know about the other two but you said your mom died of cancer. You didn't give her cancer, Alex. You haven't killed anybody."

"I-" Alex is fighting to calm himself. "My dad-"

"How did they die?"

"My best friend died in a car accident and my brother killed himself." 

Jack sighs heavily, and he looks exhausted. "See? You didn't do that. Is that why you flipped out when that car almost hit me?"

"I don't want you to die," Alex says quietly.

"Funny," says Jack, "I was thinking the same thing about you. And you're not going to get me killed."

"But-"

"Alex."

Jacks gaze is impossible to avoid. Alex pulls his hand back but Jack follows and grasps it again.

That's when he sees the scarring on his wrists. 

"I-" Jack gently takes Alex's arm and runs a finger over dozens of white lines. Words seem to fail him, and then suddenly there's a tear falling onto Alex's arm and Jack is crying. "You're not toxic, you- you're the best thing that's ever happened to me!" 

"What?" Alex gasps. "No one's ever- I haven't ever mattered before." 

Jack pulls himself together and then he's gently tipping Alex's chin toward him so he'll meet his eyes. "You've always mattered, I'm just the first to say it."

"I don't matter." Alex can't help but fight it, can't help but feel- "I'm insignificant."

And then Jack kisses him. 


End file.
